SO I have come to some realizations that I may in fact not be a super hero after all. I hate to admit this, but I may not be able to handle every single thing all at once. I haven't wanted to use this as a woe is me, feel sorry for Suzi forum, but some things have happened in my life recently that I have downplayed, perhaps to my detriment.
For those that don't know this, I was attacked by my ex last March. It was terrifying, and I was in shock, and I didn't handle things as well as I might have, nor did I handle them as badly as I might have. More than anything, I think I tried to live as if it didn't happen while at the same time trying to deal with the court and custody and taking care of david's mental health that happened in the aftermath. It was an impossible thing to do. You can't go on with your life as if this traumatic thing didn't actually happen to you. Even if you aren't actively wallowing in the events that occurred, they affect your life.
I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by the therapist that I was seeing briefly before the big move. Like many people, I have thought to myself, it's not a big deal. I'm a big girl, I am intelligent, I am capable, and I will be fine. I thought that I would move, get a new job, and everything would just be fixed. It turns out that moving across country and telling yourself that you're fine don't actually fix anything. Turns out that the three largest causes of stress in a person's life are moving, new job, and loss of a spouse...throw on some domestic violence and physical and emotional trauma and you've got yourself one major mind fuck. I may not be as ok as I thought I was.
I have lost my mojo as a teacher. I am ineffective, my classroom management sucks, I freeze in the face of confrontation (with a child, even), and I wake up every morning wishing to god I did not have to go to work. I have not felt this way about teaching before. I am at a nicer school with a wonderful and supportive staff. I have predominately sweet kids, but they are in 8th grade, so....and I can't handle it. I don't even think I'm teaching them anything.
Last week, my assistant principal walked in on what can only be described as chaos. It was bad. I was not in control of the situation. And it did not reflect well upon me. I spent the last week deciding whether or not I should try to explain any of what was going on or if I should just try to fake it til I make it. However, I decided that it would be best to tell my AP what happened to me and the difficulties I was having. I'm glad I did, it was the right thing to do, but after talking to her for an hour, she brought up the valid point that perhaps I am not ready to be in a classroom and that maybe I should be spending the next year healing and not trying to be a mentor, mother, teacher, babysitter, disciplinarian, hand holder, shoulder, secretary, and everything else that being a teacher entails. She was the one that pointed out that I had simultaneously undertaken the three top stressful things that can happen to a person while experiencing trauma and beginning my PhD program. She suggested to me that I might be better off resigning from the position. She says that if things don't improve in my classroom I will most likely be fired. She wasn't threatening my job directly. She actually told me that she doesn't want to see something traumatic that happened to me also ruin my career. She says that she's an excellent judge of character, and that she knows that I am a capable teacher. She even played my recommendation voicemail from my old AP for me to hear. She says she understands that I have experienced something horrible. She even said that PTSD gets downplayed too much and that it is serious. SHe feels that I would be doing myself a disservice to try to continue the year if I can't handle it. That maybe I should get some sort of mindless job until I get better.
Now I have a decision to make. Do I chose to quit a job that I love and worked so hard to get in order to take care of my mental health and risk not being able to pay my bills and take care of David; or do I risk it, try to pull it together and possible be fired thereby ruining my career forever. I have to chose and I have no idea what I should do. The work-a-holic, over-achiever in me says "you can't quit your job, you'll be a failure, and a loser, and how will you pay your bills?" The pragmatist in me says "if you fuck up and get fired, you'll never teach again." And I need to make at least $2000 a month to pay for everything, and that means I need to make at least $15 an hour working 40 hours a week. Doing what? and in this economy? She suggested substitute teaching. It isn't as much money, and no benefits, but at least there wouldn't be any lessons or grading to do. It takes some of the stress off. But isn't it really the same thing? My problem is classroom management, I'd still have to do that. ANd I don't even know if they'd hire me to be a sub after all of the work that they put in trying to get me approved to even teach for the district.
I guess what it boils down to is that I have a HUGE decision to make which will affect me greatly and I don't know what to do.
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